I want to write a post

I always thought I was exceptionally gifted.
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Can ten thousand really make money trading stocks? Others don’t believe it, and neither do I.
I started borrowing money. If I had just entered the market this year, then now would count as very successful. But I’m not—I’m lazy and not educated. How can I achieve my desire to not have to go to work through stock trading? Others don’t believe it, and neither do I.
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Can’t I control the borrowed funds well enough? I can’t, and I don’t believe I can. Putting five thousand into the market to leverage thirty thousand is dangerous, but somehow I got lucky—the market in March helped me double my money. But now I’m so afraid. I’m always afraid. I know I can’t control this much volume, yet I’m still taking risks (maybe this is what it’s like when you don’t have stable employment—I’m lazy and I lack ambition, like a useless person).
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Should I reduce my position? Should I pay back the borrowed money? I can’t. It’s hard to believe I can do it. What should I do? After I make money, without any certainty about the starting point, I get anxious and jump back in. After I get trapped, I immediately add to my position. Am I going to die? People like me can’t survive in the stock market. I know that, but I can’t do anything about it.
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After thinking for a long time, I still feel like I should cut my position. I should play with small amounts of capital; at least then I can control it. If I lose, it doesn’t matter, right? I can do it—I definitely can. I’m still expecting to get out of this trap, still fantasizing about taking off, haha—so what? Will there be one this time and not next time? I should play with a size I can handle. Even if it’s small, it seems like I can manage whether I win or lose. I believe I can.