Why do children only listen when we get angry? Because we are engaging in an emotional game, not rule management. The logic of emotional game-playing is: I get angry, so you obey; essentially, the child is afraid of you. The logic of rule management is: if you don’t follow the rules, you will face consequences. These are two completely different systems. So you’ll find that the more you get angry, the more the child listens—actually, they are constantly testing your bottom line. In fact, you can control children without losing your temper, as long as you understand: strictness does not equal harshness. We need to distinguish two things: emotions and behavior. Emotions are neither right nor wrong and should be understood; behavior has right and wrong and should be guided by principles.

The most taboo is: after losing your temper and scolding, you still give the rules back to the child. This only teaches them: as long as you make enough fuss, you will get your way. The truly effective approach is: stay emotionally stable and be firm in your behavior. This way, you won’t harm the parent-child relationship and can improve behavior. Ultimately, a child's genuine sense of security comes from clear, stable, and predictable boundaries. Security does not come from leniency but from stability. Allowing more play today and completely forbidding it tomorrow makes the child unable to predict your reactions, which causes more anxiety. What truly destroys a sense of security is never strict parents, but unpredictable parents’ moods and reactions.