'I have a legal and a moral question': My dad left when I was 9, reconnected with me in my 50s and now needs money. What do I owe him?

By Quentin Fottrell

 'After the divorce was finalized, he and his partner moved out of state to a place where there would be no child-support enforcement' 

 "I feel disinclined to send money to someone who is essentially a stranger." (Photo subject is a model.) 

 Dear Quentin, 

 I'm looking for advice on my obligations to a parent who was not in my life starting at age 9 - there was no financial support or other contact - but who has initiated contact again now that I am in my 50s. 

 My father left my mother with five young children on Christmas Eve in 1978. After the divorce was finalized, he and his partner moved out of state to a place where there would be no child-support enforcement. They did not have any children together. There was almost no contact for 42 years. 

 My mother did reach out when she remarried in 1981 because my stepdad wanted to adopt us. My father said no, which I now realize we could have challenged, but for me and my siblings, our stepdad became the person we considered our dad, so it wasn't very important to us to change our last name. 

 'There was almost no contact for 42 years.' 

 Several years ago, my father reached out after his wife passed away. He sent each of his five children $1,000 from his wife's life insurance and then a few hundred dollars more after he sold her car. 

 At that time, I told him I was not looking for a father-daughter relationship because I already had a dad, but I was willing to maintain some level of correspondence. For about a year, he sent cards, but over the last few years his interaction has decreased, which was not a surprise. However, I still receive emails from him from time to time. 

 Mention of money 

 I have a legal and a moral question. Occasionally, he mentions his need for money. He has never directly asked for financial assistance, but he has shared some of the problems he has experienced. For example, he was defrauded and had to refinance his house after losing money. He has also had medical expenses, as he is now 83 and his health is declining. Recently, he told me that stairs have become difficult for him and that he would like to install a chair lift but cannot afford it. 

 I am generally a compassionate person, so I sometimes wonder whether I should help him financially. While I would empty my savings for my mom (and would have done so for my stepdad, who has passed away), I feel disinclined to send money to someone who is essentially a stranger. He is not destitute: He owns his home and has relationships with his siblings and with some nieces and nephews. 

 'I would empty my savings for my mom.' 

 What I want to better understand is whether I have a legal obligation to provide support to this man, who is connected to me only through biology. I don't believe I do. Maryland (where I live) and South Carolina (where he lives) do not have filial-responsibility laws. However, does accepting money from his wife's life insurance create any obligations that would not otherwise exist? Does continuing to communicate with him create any obligation? 

 And finally, setting legal obligations aside, do I have a moral obligation to provide financial support to a man who did not provide food, clothing, shelter, healthcare, safety or emotional support during my childhood or throughout most of my adult life? 

 I wrestle with these questions. 

 A Conflicted Daughter 

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 You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually. 

 If you give him one penny of your own money, it will open up a transactional codependence between you and this man, who is a virtual stranger. 

 Dear Daughter, 

 That $1,000 gift was not free. It had strings attached. 

 He came back into your life in your 50s when his own wife died and he was on his own, emotionally and financially. I suspect the latter is where his focus lies. Given that he gave away $5,000 of his wife's life-insurance payout as gifts to his five children, we can assume that he received a substantial sum. That money either ran out due perhaps to home repairs and medical expenses, or he spent and invested it poorly. 

 What is clear: If he was in his 70s when he got back in touch with you, he has a very clear 360-degree view of his own long-term financial stability. He skipped town to avoid paying one red cent to your mother in child support, and now he's back. That $1,000 was an "open-your-wallet" gesture, designed to gain access. People in your life should make you feel safe, nourished and valued. Does he do that? 

 South Carolina does not have filial-responsibility laws, and Maryland repealed its own law in 2017, meaning adult children are not responsible for their parents' debts or care-home costs, unless they sign as a guarantor. While some states still enforce these laws, they often include exceptions, including parental abandonment or failure to provide support, which would relieve the adult children of any liability. 

 That $1,000 was an 'open-your-wallet' gesture to give him access. 

 This relationship ended at a time when you most needed him, as a child, and that 9-year-old child still exists today. She may still yearn for the approval, acknowledgement, attention and validation of her father, even if she received those things from her stepfather. Your father not only withheld that financial support and love and affection from your 9-year-old self, he also blocked the way for your stepfather to completely fulfill that role. 

 Now that your stepfather is gone, it is of course too late for him to adopt you. But fatherhood, as you say, is about more than just biology. It's about the most valuable thing we give our loved ones during this short life: our time. Your father has never given you his time. He has only given you that $1,000 as an opening gambit, and now he wants something from you, but he is too Machiavellian to ask for it outright. 

 By leaving breadcrumbs for you in the form of hard-luck stories, he is manipulating you and using that 9-year-old child who he knows will always cry out with an open heart and open arms for the father who walked away, closing his wallet and his heart as he moved to another state. If you give him one penny of your own money, it will open up a transactional codependence between you and this man, who is a virtual stranger. 

 The $1,000 question 

 You have three choices. The first is to detach with love - that is, politely and kindly, and with no explanations or blame. That means telling him that you wish him well and bear him no ill will. You can gradually stop answering his emails and texts. That's your choice. He is the last person you owe an explanation. You can simply say: "I need to take time for my family, my health and my life. I wish you well with everything." 

 Doing that may feel awkward because you accepted $1,000 from this man, your biological father. That's money in the bank in more ways than one, but primarily it gives him emotional and financial leverage. Your second choice is to detach with love and repay the $1,000, as he suggests he needs it more than you do. That way, you are not under obligation to him for anything, and you don't even have to answer his calls. 

 The third choice is to stay in contact - with or without repaying the $1,000 - and manage him as you would a busybody neighbor or annoying acquaintance who wants to be closer than you are. You don't have to answer every call or respond to every text. You are not a customer-service representative and you are no longer the little girl who needed a father. You are in your 50s and have other things to worry about. 

 I suggest you detach with love and repay the $1,000 he gave you. 

 So no, he is not your responsibility. You owe him nothing - legally, ethically or morally. Those ties were broken when he walked away and pulled up the drawbridge behind him. I don't know whether or not he is a narcissist, but from your retelling, he is someone who has always looked out for himself. He is in touch now because he needs something from you. He has nothing to bring to the table. It's likely too late for that. 

 Legal and ethical issues are governed by standards set by society, but moral choices, for the most part, are for you alone to decide. I want you to make the choice for the right reason, not because you feel manipulated into giving money to a person who may not stop at one direct deposit and not because your 9-year-old self still craves the approval of the man who walked away and didn't look back all those years ago. 

 Be forewarned about the tools in a narcissist's playbook: Love bombing (giving you what they think you crave) and dry begging (dropping hints about what they need). And when they see you pulling away, be prepared for a complete change of personality (anger and rage and/or guilt-tripping and passive aggression). I am not diagnosing him or implying malicious intent, but I do believe you should be guarded. 

 Remember, your 9-year-old self already found her real father: your stepdad. 

 More columns from Quentin Fottrell: 

 Can I stop my kids from using their inheritance to support political causes I vehemently oppose? 

 My wife's credit-card payment is three months overdue. As an authorized user, am I in trouble? 

 My stepmother cheated me out of $500K from my father's estate. What can I do? 

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